Stories by Aryi Koko Telfer

Poems deemed worthy

Even More (22 - 23): Welcome

Hello

January 15, 2022

I am ready to heal

I am ready to grow

After ignoring it for so long

I want to confront it

I want to know

Of all the things that held and are holding me back

From greatness

I am ready to unpack all of the roots that lead to my tree of sadness

I am ready to heal

I am ready to grow

I want to change my bad habits into healthy ones

And mentally prepare myself for the obstacles to come

I feel so ready to move on

That a small part of me doesn’t want to hold on to my poetry

Because of what it meant to me

I want that inner peace so bad

That part of me wants to leave this world behind

Because all I’ve ever written

Are somber sonnets

With pitiful endings

Poems about how much I hate myself

Bending the truth to make it seem worse or better than it is

Sending a message of attention

Asking

Hoping

That others can relate to it

But this one

This one’s for me

I want to move on from that old version of me

And embrace a new person

But I will still continue to write

I just need to learn how to harbour those ‘positive’ emotions

And then speak of it without it sounding

Cringey

Sad

Or like unlocking a core memory

As I grow

I want to show you my strengths as I have shown you my weaknesses

I want to show you the lengths between who I was and who I am

I’d like to see my poems evolve alongside me

Tell you the things I can’t

And show you the things you don’t see

The real me.

I want to grow

I am ready to heal

To unpack all the anxiety and trauma

Look at all the gooey stuff and realise

Hey, that’s me

Just as much of me as the poem you see

So let me take a little step forward

And re-introduce myself

Hi :)

My name is Aryi Koko Telfer

I am non-binary and gay

It's a pleausre to meet you all

Even More (22 - 23): Text

From Time to Time

February 19, 2022

Sometimes I just wish I was one or the other

Regarding societal standards of what you should be

I wish I fit into that box

Of femininity

I wish I didn’t always have to be in between
If that’s a thing

Or rather, just being anything that isn’t what the world painted people to be
I wish that the world wasn’t so against me

My world

The people who make it

My people

I feel are split into a spectrum regarding the acceptance of me

So sometimes

Especially when it comes to the people I love the most

I just wish I was a normal cis gender girl approaching womanhood

Rather than a not so typical, typical queer afab non-binary, approaching ‘womanhood’

I do make a pretty girl though

A faithful one

Who is loyal to whom and what she believes unless that whom or what betrays her

Then she leaves

Who can stand up for herself knowing who she is

A reliable

Dressy

Girly one

But unfortunately that be not the case

Although I wish it was

You know, the norm for this generation

Being basic but claiming to be different even though you’re literally a stereotype

Following trends and being more confident about fashion

Pretending to have taste when really you’re just copying what’s on your for you page

But I guess that counts right?

Wanting to go on cute little picnic and lunch dates

Dressed up in boujee outfits with all your mates

Basically I’m saying that in a way

I miss the old me

The half straight, full church girl, me

Who would show off the fact that she's a she

And the she likes both hes and shes too

The old me

Who went to church and enjoyed learning about the gospel

The old me

Who would wear skirts 6 days a week because she goes to a school full of shes and only a handful of theys or hes

The old me

Who would plait her hair nice and neat everyday

Hoping that there wouldn’t be a hair out of place

And then who would come home and get upset because apparently she looked ugly the whole day and nobody had the decency to hurt her feelings

The old me

Who knew who she was and who was proud of it

Who didn’t question herself because she knew who she was

I just wish my life was simple like that again

All I had to worry about was what I was going to wear for church

How I was going to do my hair even though it’s the same everday

If I was prepared for seminary and if I was ready to learn at all that day

If I had everything I needed before I went to school

And if I had enough hop money to get home

It all seems so easy, doesn’t it?

It sounds so simple

There’s no extra introduction because people just assume your pronouns are she/her

Even if my pronouns were she/they

She was still a girl

Sometimes I wish that I was just one or the other

Because everyday I wake up I dread my grandmother finding out that I’m not

And then her hating me because of it

Everyday

I wake up and question who I am

If I’m really just doing it for attention

If I could just do myself the favour and change

But I know better

Everyday

I hug my nana

I kiss her on the cheek

I talk to her about her day

There’s this sinking feeling in my stomach

And one repeating thought in the back of mind

That if she knew who I was

Who I really was

She wouldn’t want to talk to me at all

We wouldn’t be laughing together right now or ever

So cherish it while it’s still there

Cherish every moment you have with her because once she knows

She won’t even want to look at you

Let alone touch you

She’ll be so upset that she won’t know what to do with you

Sometimes I just wish I didn’t have to worry about that

I know that she will always love me

No matter what

But it’s scary to think that she might be so disgusted by the fact that I’m me

That she won’t show me that love

For a long, long time

I just wish I didn’t have to wake up to an open closet that I’m too scared to walk out of

I’m robbing her of knowing the real me

Heck, my friends know me better than my nana does

And I hate lying to her all the time

It doesn’t feel right

So I close those doors from time to time

Just to remind myself of what it was like

Before I even realised I was in there

Even More (22 - 23): Text

Messy

May 13

I keep falling back into the

pains and pleasures of the past

Keep adjusting the bass to let the alpine blast

Like, Fresh Prince and Jazzy J

Who let their rhymes run

In their Summertime cast full of good vibes and good fun

Unlike the mind I have

Taking refuge from the

Sun of truth and light and love

I don't know what's worse

The ring of stars around my head or the racing cars within it

I can't stop thinking about the beautiful bars

That flow like water but harden at my touch

These beautiful bars

Caging my creativity inside someone else's

Captivating the ears of my fingers to draw and write combustions that aren't even mine

I keep falling

From there to here

Over things that are too small to trip on

Yet I'm stumbling every second

And not to mention

The branches with the sharpest of stings tearing away at my limbs and wearing my eyes as rings like

The hardest of things life is to live like

No matter how hard I try I always sin

I can't help but give in

To those habits

It's a 4 year 31 day long cycle where I haven't

Until the day I did

I keep on falling

As if it's free

It feels like the easiest thing

I can do in this world

That I don't even know exists

That I'm losing the ability to recognise

Because of my will to empathise

With everything I see is overpowering

Like, the flow of this poem

Too many syllables to speak

It's almost like a constant peak of rhyme

And no rhythm

Word play but no origin

As chaotic as my thoughts

Who are displayed in this piece

I can't believe that once again

I keep falling

Into

A mess

That can only be cleaned up by someone else's hands

Even More (22 - 23): Text

Fate II

February 28

I called life the other day and asked if she wanted to come over
So we could have a cuppa, some pani keke and get to know each other
Maybe overtime we’d become close enough to be besties
But despite her agreement to answering my questions
She never showed up
She never does and probably never will
She won’t ever show up
She doesn’t enjoy my company no matter how hard I try to be likeable
She refuses to reach for my hand
To allow our fingers to interlock
And our destinies to dance together for a split second
The same way death marks my skin from holding on too tight
And how he lives in the blood that pumps through my veins
Grim and thick but still smooth enough to get away with it
And at the end of the day
He’ll always be there to fill in life’s blank spaces
He’ll always be there to hold me upright when she continues to let go
For a bottle of prosecco
And a view through french windows
She knows home to be everywhere except where I am
But at least he’s always going to be there for me
He always will be
Despite my efforts to want life I can’t help myself when he’s around
The longer I run towards the edge that’s furthering away from me everytime I breathe
He will be there to catch me
When I stumble and fall
He reminds me that life’s heart doesn’t belong with ours
That despite my efforts to love her
She is impossible
‘You can’t force fate’ he says
‘The same way her and I cease to exist’
‘The same way you do’
You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink
This whole time life has had her very own fountain to satisfy her thirst
Yet still I offered her water
Something she has more than enough of
She took, she took and she took
Until I had no more water to give
And before I could ask of her
That’s when death gave me a sip from his challice
And I realised
Life and I were never meant to be
Not the way he and I were destiny

Even More (22 - 23): Text