Spoken Word
2022
A warning would've be nice.
Blank Page
January
There is so much of everything, that there is nothing.
Half and Half
March
Stuck in between, trying to find the best of both worlds when there's nothing yet to enjoy amoungst them.
Shaky
May
When the frequencies are so strong they move your physical
And when the vibrations don't stop to let you breathe
One and the Other
July
Differences, similarities, perceptions and change are battles we all have to face and understand.
References
September
How many songs can you count? (i.e titles, lyrics or even artists)
Read between the lines if you have to ;)
Dead End
November
I am driving...
We Fall
February
It's hard to escape the inevitable, but it's important that it haappens.
Heavenly Father
April
You haven't been so heavenly have you, father?
In the Moment
June
Just for a second, I wish things didn't have to be the way that they are
Last Night I Looked Into the Future and Saw...
August
Although the past, future and present barely exist outside of right now, it's hard not to imgine what might be, what you hope to be or even the path you wish to be your destiny.
Grown
October
What is it to be gorwn and why does it have to come with a price?
Discovery of Love
December
You took away the things I stole from myself and handed me happiness. People often forget that love comes in many forms. This is to acknowledge my loves and all that they do for me.
Blank Page
Janaury 17
I open my book to a new blank page and stare into the distance. Thoughts travel faster than light so it results in silence. Silence of the mouth. Silence of the mind.
I open my book to a new blank page. Click my pen one time so that the ink is prepared to write with. Follow the curve of my fingers that connect to my wandering hand. I sit. I stand. Still nothing comes to me.
I open my book to a new blank page. I am still. My pen shakes from hand tremors and the wind gusts by but I am still. As is a butterfly airing out it’s wings.
I open my book to a new blank page. I think about how blank it is. I write about how blank it is but still, it is empty.
Empty.
The word echoes in my mind.
Empty.
I open my book. Only to find that it..
Is empty.
We Fall
February 15
Like how each petal falls
So do we
Each part of us breaks off so gently
So beautifully
Before cascading to the soil we came from
Our roots
The roots of our heritage
Our life source
Back to the trauma
The childhood
Given to us
Stolen from us
The issues
That shaped us into the flower we are
Until we fall
Like each petal
We will fall
And eventually we grow back
Become another lovely flower
A little less delicate to the touch
But all the more alluring
A little more rough around the edge
But nonetheless intriguing
Blossoming from a new bud
A new chapter that has begun
How crucial it is to return to the soil
Where you float into the abyss of scattered chaos
Only to bloom into a world full of it
Yet still, we try to find the beauty in it
Even though
Like each petal
We all fall.
Half and Half
March 21
I said some things to this small child that I’m not too proud about
I said to them
The more I look at you the more I hate what I see
You see
They had these ugly green eyes that constantly get mistaken for as brown
Woops, I mean, hazel eyes
Eyes that make them look whiter than their heritage as if their pale skin doesn’t do that enough
An islander with palagi skin?! I said
How absurd!
You aren’t islander, you’re palagi
An islander within but without the proper skin
Your authenticity is defined by melanin
The one thing your fail to produce
Your hair testifies more of your heritage than any other feature you own
Yet you hide it away in plaits and low buns
Pathetic
You are child
To think you are a thing of beauty
You’re basically transparent
I can see the veins pumping throughout your body
And the red blush that shines through what might as well be your paper thin skin
Blush
A blood rush of thoughts
For a second I thought that you might’ve got a tan
But you have been washed so white that pigment is something impossible for you to gain
And to top you it all off you can’t speak a word of your language nor do you know a thing of your culture
You’re so plastic you might just be a piece of tupperware
You descended from Pacific Islanders and those who deceived them
Who used the word ‘coconut’ as a slur against them
But husk yours back and all there is is white
Like
Why even call you afakasi when you might as well be palagi
Like
How can you be considered an islander when you’re that light
Like
You’re too smart
You aren’t cool
You actually want to learn when you go to school
To be considered what you are
Woops, I mean, what you aren’t
And I hate that I ever have to lay eyes upon you
You fake
You fraud
You disgrace
And after saying those things
To that small, innocent child
I stepped away from the mirror
And smiled away the tears
Before walking out of the bathroom
And back into an uncomfortable environment that I don’t belong in
Heavenly Father
April 27
Heavenly Father
Are you really there?
And do you hear and answer every child's prayer?
Because I have been waiting for an answer
That I need earnestly
Dear Lord
But all you have given me is the word ‘breathe’
Through scripture I have studied and hymns from your church, Lord
The only thing you have given me is more air to breathe
But breathing isn’t helping, dear Lord
So where are you?
Where have you been?
Dear God,
I recited all thirteen of my articles of faith today
And I got a sticker
And a chocolate
It was real yum
I am grateful
For you and for my family
Who I am supposed to get to share all of my life and eternity with
But Lord,
Why is it that each time I pray to you I feel further away from heaven?
And why does it feel like you don’t even care enough to try and guide me back to your kingdom
Dear God, is there something wrong with me?
Am I not allowed to enter your kingdom?
Are you refusing to be my king
And banishing me from your dominion?
Why Lord, do you ignore me?
Holes burn in the four books of scripture I hold of
Bible, Book of Mormon, Doctrine & Covenants and Pearl of Great Price
Burnt as mirroring actions of the holes in my faith and dimming light
That keeps fading as you turn away your might from me, dear God
Why won’t you help me?
Father God,
Today I learnt something new
I learnt that white christians in America
Your children,
Created racism
To justify their acts of enslaving Afircans
I wonder what other terrible things you have allowed them to create, Lord
Like,
All of the phobias, colonisation, cultural assimilation
But we won’t get into how you haven’t quite heavenly have you, father
Because you’re probably too busy to actually be listening right now
Preoccupied with handing out miracles and blessings to your favourite devoted children
Too, caught up to mind this small issue
This child seeking your help
Who feels like a lost cause
And your ignorance isn’t helping, Lord
The more oblivion you provide the less time they’ll take to look up at the sky and thank whoever it is that paints the clouds
I’m still waiting on a sign
On an answer
And there a plenty pointing towards the door of this church
Telling me to leave and never come back even if it hurts
But Lord, I’m not sure if it’s you telling me to rip my skirt and sew it into a pair of pants
Or if it’s the evil inside of me
Is it?
Answers fly like the flightless bird of our nation
Gliding across the forest floor
So instead I turn to rip and chew the pages of bible verses and youth booklets
All of which testify that I am a living sin of the devil
A vessel gone astray to walk in the path of self pleasure
When all I want is the freedom of self expression without the judgement from all you old brothers and sisters sitting in the church pues
Wondering if the friend I brought with is me is really my friend because apparently they’re too handsy to be
Just a friend
As if they would know if we were anything more
Dear God,
You told me that I was made perfectly
But all your children are testifying along with scripture that I am not
That I am a mistake
Did you make a mistake when you manufactured me, Lord?
If not then
Why’d you go ahead and try to re-route my neurological pathways
And straighten out the crooked stem to my brain
You make it seem like I’m going insane but I swear
I’m just like everyone else
I can prove it to you
I’ll come to church every sunday morning and seminary almost every other
I’ll dress up in my sunday best - long skirt past the knees with a pretty floral flowy fabric paired with high heel boots and a tidy blouse
I’ll actually listen to the talks instead of being faikakala with my mates
I’ll actively participate in sunday school lessons
I’ll fulfil my role as the president of my young women’s class and set the best example I can for the younger girls
I will abide by the for the strength of youth guidelines and live true to the faith
I will go on group dates at 16 and search for my magical male muse in hopes for marriage in the temple and perfect children raised in the church
I will force myself to suppress the feelings that I never chose
That will only grow as time goes on
Because I have been told, dear Lord
That those feelings do not align with the life you have planned for your children
For me
Women loving women doesn’t seem to be a thing other than sin
Just like men loving men and fa'afafines, apparently
You are either one or the other and this religion is built on colonial beliefs that we have taken upon as personal and cultural
Everything has a gender
Even trees and plants do, according to some
Girls do this and boys do that
Boys can’t do what girls do and vice versa
Girls must look a certain way
Boys must act a certain way
These ‘rules’ that restrict and box in the freedom of exploration within yourself
Experimentation with who you are and who you want to be
But how will you know if you do not try?
So, as an afab, meaning, assigned female at birth
I cannot love a woman
Yet here I stand with queerness running through my veins
And the word GAY tattooed in capitals letters on my forehead
I guess that, re-routing didn’t do you too well, Lord
As, an afab
I cannot have short hair
Yet here I am with misused agency and a buzz cut
As an afab
I won’t be anything other than a woman or what’s in my pants
Yet here I stand wearing my beautiful binder and feeling the androgyny of both masculine and femininity
I am non-binary
And I am queer
And I am still a person whether or not you treat me like one
A person
Who left the church before they could get banished
Who’s bishop told them to pray away the part of them that makes them beautiful and unique
Pray the gay away they said but all it did was prosper in abundance
Growing from a bisexual she/they
To a gay they/she
To a queer they/them
I guess, the straightening out of my brain stem didn’t work too well for you, Lord
Dear God,
Whether or not you’re there
Or if you hear my prayer
You took too long to give me an answer so I gave me my own
Shaky
May 11
Shaky
Like rocks falling off of a cliff
Like snow cascading into a flood
Like when the tectonic plates move underneath the life we have created
Shaky
Like my hands when I’m anxious
Or when I’m not
They are constantly shaking from overflowing energy
Needing an outlet that won’t give off a negative response
My week
Has been shaky
My month has been shaky
As if I were walking on eggshells
Wobbling across the mushroom stands
Where one side leads to a different realm and the other leads to the safety of our own
Where if I fell it would be either into more growth and healing
Or back into harmful habits I have failed to extinguish
Shaky
Like my legs when I’m sitting down
It bounces up and down
Like a pogo stick
Like two little kids on a trampoline
Shaky
Like how my whole life has been
A constant reminder to worry about myself and my loved ones
To make the most of today while I’m too concerned if my people will see a tomorrow
And then if I wanted to see tomorrow
Or if I’d rather leave before my people get the chance to
Shaky
Like the back and forth of the ocean on the bay
Like the ripples from a skipped rock on water
I try to stop it
But the nerves always get the better of me
They always have and they always will
Be shaky
In the Moment
June 14
In the moment it’s alright
But I don’t think I like the sting
Of wanting to be something other than what I am
It stings of destruction
When really it makes me whole
It gives me the essence of what I want just not in the colour I thought would show
It brings down my walls
And saturates them into tears
Caught by my lingering fears
And judgemental peers
My anxiety cheers
For the thoughts that constantly cloud my cranium
(And) I say it’s a good thing
As if it isn’t one of my biggest nightmares
That I like it in the moment
And after it passes
But I don’t like the sting
The stimulated feeling of rejoining the pale flesh I wish were at least a little bit brown
It’s scary
How it can be so comforting
And how I can hate it but love that tingling feeling
(And) I say it’s not a bad thing
Because it’s right in the middle of my path
It can’t be a side-track
Maybe it was just meant to steer me off path
But no matter which way I turn the thorn is still stuck
In my existence
Year after year
The torturous torment so tangibly out of reach
I don’t know who’s afakasi skin is covering me
But it’s there
I look like a full blown palagi, straight from the motherland
But I swear that’s only half of me
Maybe if I was able to tan you could see
You could claim me
Even though I’m your afakasi cousin, part of you is part of me
Or maybe
You just don’t want to be
Related to someone so white
Or maybe
If I looked a little like you
You wouldn’t bat an eye
Or ignore me at family functions
You’d finally accept me
And you’d call me your uce
The sting
Of being refused my identity
I don’t know which one I prefer
The downfall in which my origins lay
Or the melanin lacking skin cells I slay in hopes that pigment might appear the next day
But still I’m as pale as snow
I try to wash it away hoping that the brown within me might show
But still, I blend in with the clouds
I don’t recognise the face I see in the mirror
I look cold to the touch
Dead
Like a corpse on the run
I flee from the body given to me
Knowing I was not the one meant to host it
Feeling ungrateful because I wish it looked a little different
But I should just be thankful I that had it to begin with
In the moment
It’s alright
But the world as I know it is crumbling before my eyes
And the sting
Is the only thing causing the spiral to stop
Just for a second
I’m not too brown for the white kids
Too hood, too south
And I’m not too white for the brown kids
Too smart, too well-off
For once I don’t have to explain my slang to people who call it colloquialism
And I don’t have to justify my half and half to those suffering from internalised racism
But that reality is short-lived
And my life will always be a lie
Made up by whites hiding their insecurities behind fake superiority
And rhymes that withstand the tales of time in tongues that derive from the same island
Even though I know it’s made up
If I can feel the pain then maybe our minds don’t have to be so made up
But it’s too late for that now
Everything I’ve been taught in the system we live in is dissipating into a universe full of the unknown
The life that I’ve been taught to know isn’t so concrete
The meaning of life that I’ve been told is obsolete
The skin I have fixated on isn’t even mine to hate
And the veil between realms is so thin I can almost see through what’s fake
But the sting is holding me back
To back
With guilty pleasures I can't seem to escape from
This place
That I tend to call my home
One and the Other
July 6
Brown hair, white skin
Green eyes, no lips
Hip dips, no butt
All hate, no love
Big boobs, no waist
Small shoes, high weight
All tea, no shade
My whanau always body shames
Flat feet, weak knees
Too short, can’t see
Hand-me-downs, no style
It’s considered rude if I don’t smile
Long hair, no more
Curls like waves crashing on the shore
You were born a female therefore must do all the chores
Under my breath I talk back to the floor
Big brain, no spare
No money but I need bus fare
To me “nothing will ever be unfair”
There is never a time where they show (they) care
Oestrogen overload poured into the wrong entity
Each month I bleed away my identity
Always seen as she
Despite announcing what is right
They and them pronouns
But everyone still misgenders me
Always daughter, sister, girl, niece
Despite correcting their mistakes
Everyone still stays the same
No matter how much I change
I am small but I am present
I have an opinion but nowhere to present (it)
My mouth is moving without my own consent
It is controlled by the people telling me to repent
I am speaking but there is no sound
I am dreaming but nothing is found
They say education is key
That there is no room for failing
The only dreams I have are the ones my family made me
I look up to them
They look down on me
Wondering how it must feel to be so tiny
I have eyes but I cannot see past what is given to me
Too blind to even plant my own seeds
I should just be grateful that there is air (for me) to breathe
Please, I say
Please, they mock
As if I don’t have the right to ask
Instead I must dim down my light
For I cannot shine past
The ones who gave it to me
Last Night I Looked Into the Future and Saw...
August 17
Last night I looked into the future and saw
A healthy still-healing young science graduate-to-be
Healing all the hauoras simultaneously
Or at least trying to
Healing physically post top surgery
Maybe even taking T
Hoping that their voice might get deep and their stance a little more lean
Working part-time at a cafe as a barista
Isn’t that a romantics dream
But nah they’ll probably just be merchandising through customer service at a thrift store on k road
Referring to their supervisor because they still don’t know how to answer questions properly
Last night I looked into the future and saw
A frightened student trying to hide their anxiety behind a pile of books
Trying to stop their leg from shaking as a form of self control
Only to be met with skin picking as a result
Bit lip and tense shoulders
Clenched teeth and sore muscles
From flinching and failing to have it all under control
They battle themselves so loudly they miss out on reality
In the future I saw
A university student who left college a year early
Reminiscing on high school
Wondering if they made the right decision
I saw an overthinker
Stressing over how they’re gonna pass their next paper to a good enough standard
Panicking about their future
Whether they made the right decision
If this is really what they wanna do
Or if they just convinced themselves that it was their dream
In the future I saw
Them
Doing weird them things
(With their dad who they think is cooler than anyone on this Earth)
Thinking about all the other wierd things they'll be able to do during summer and spring
Even though a season ago they couldn't even grasp the concept of them getting through the year
Yet there they are
A couple of years ago they could barely imagine themselves passing level one
Yet there they are
With both the first and second certificates
Endorsed overall and in subjects
Didn’t even need the third one
Yet there they are wondering if that’s something they should’ve done
But fuck high school
And the prison they call an institution
Claiming to nourish young minds
When really the life is being drained out of them
All the passion and desire taken from beneath them
Replaced with deppression and anxiety
One goal and one thing to worry about;
Passing
They weren’t even learning by the time they left
Just cruising along the horizon of achievement
They had to escape the nightmare they were forced to live every year
Fuck high school and all its restrictions
Last night I looked into the future and I saw
Them
Except they didn’t look uncomfortable or overly insecure
They didn’t look like a her anymore nor were they perceived as one at all
Which is a good thing, I think
They finished questioning what non-binary meant to them and started the new question
Looking for their purpose in every crevise curiosity creates
I saw relaxed shoulders
A lighter load on their chest
No more boulders weighing them down
And they started growing a beard
Which is something they’ve always wanted to do
Their non-existent bucket list didn’t look so full
I saw them going to study groups with new friends and actually getting stuff done
I saw them going to a party looking fly as fuck and they even had some sick makeup on
They were giving EXACTLY what was meant to be gave
Excuse the mailman because they DELIVERED
The fit
The persona
The whole vibe
Might as well call them a waiter because they served
Last night I looked into the future and saw
Happiness
Smiling back at them in the mirror
Joy really looks good on them
Being comfortable in their own skin
Contentment
With the vessel they turned into a home
I saw almost everything they wish they were as a child, a kid, a teen
And then some
Success and Failure
Heartbreak and Grief
Connection and Loss
The yin and yang of life
The dark and light finally started making sense
I saw a rocky road full of twist and winds
How steep that hill would be to climb
Big ups but even bigger downs
And I saw how strong they became
Inked up in armour tattooed by trauma
Scars from consistent bullies who don’t realise the damage they cause
An upgrade
To having enough money to buy new clothes that fit them
An upgrade in the quality of life
I saw the truth
Planted into their brain
Growing through mind blocks and charms that have worn off
I saw them trying to fight a system they live in
Spiritual awakenings
Making and breaking the world around them
Last night I looked into the future and saw
Abundance
In all the things they had been manifesting
They took up space
Something they were too afraid to do before
They were loud
When they used to be way too insecure
They felt safe
With themselves
And didn't hate who they were
I looked into the future and I saw
me
References
September 14
Fingers play nodes of symphony into my thumbs
Tapping along to the beat bouncing off of my eardrums
Footsteps stride along to the tempo
Stomping it into the ground
A shake with every little step I take
Like an earthquake
I need to slow down my pace
Keep it steady and low
But I walk too fast to be shallow
I’m in the deep end
Shark infested pools lifted to my toes by high notes passing through their gills
Rolling through them like adele did the deep
And David did Titanium
But I’m sorry
There’s just places I have to be
And people I need to see
Conversations that need to be made in order for tea to be spilled
And personally, I have yet to explore all the crevices in my hand and they desperately await torment
Picking and flicking at by the tips of my fingers
Rubbing lyrics into layers of skin
I can’t seem to scrub off
Peeling away scabs from old sores that ended up hearing too much
My heart
Beat synched
With the strings of my hair
Strummed by the hand of my mother as her chords sing me to sleep
It beats
Along to the drum of my lungs
Exhaling and inhaling
Almost hyperventilating
As I run
Down the highway to hell
Heading for the promised land
Heaven’s holy remedy was to take it easy and trust Him
But what about Her
She’s the one I really want
To run off to the hills with where we can stay breezy
And just dance with the legends of Freddy and Bowie
Dr Dre turning the tables under our cd player
Replacing Aaradhna’s - Treble & Reverb with “The Soundtrack of My Life - part 72”
Swapping out Daft Punk’s - Discovery with Jay Z and Keys’ - Empire State of Mind
Preaching about the concrete jungles where dreams are made of
The big apple people hope to get a taste of
But our orchid is more than capable of taking care of us
We spend our morning with the view and my good dude Ben Harper
Who enjoys our taeao with his mates Frank and Tevin
They flow like the ocean crashing waves before us
Uncle Bob and cousin Ziggy accompany us on our savali through the fields every afiafi
Chefu and JBoog serenade us manuia le po
And while we snore the 80s resurrect themselves in our dreams
Flying through from the rock anthems, to soul and r&b
Sometimes we try to sing along
And though Her voice is everything
Mine is far from angelic
I don’t mean to butcher all the beautiful songs but sometimes I just can’t help myself
Sometimes it just hits my soul and makes me want to sing along
But I don’t mean to
I just got carried away but I really didn’t mean to
Too caught up in the vibe that I didn’t see you
That one time you were at the dairy buying a bottle of e2
You say you waved but I swear I didn’t see you
Blame my magical headphones
Freezing the world around me
Dimming my senses to focus only on the music
It’s hypnotising
But not as much as the idea of ruining my sleep schedule for that special someone
Hoping our chats could last longer as we type through dark modes on meta run apps
Conversations in the dark while I fight off tiredness
Clicking and clacking on the school chromebook you have yet to return
There’s a rhythm in your fingers
I hear it under every key
And I listen to it changing until Mr Sun joins us
Wakes up all of memory lane
Warmth reminding us of summertime
Sirens bump and boom past like a roosters morning call
The alarm of our side of Auckland
The wails of our farm
They screech english songs translated into Samoan or Tongan
Western hits that have been blessed and cursed with our gagana
And the vibes are always good until someone decides to judge our pride
But don’t free fall into that pit of desire
Even the devil needs time alone sometimes
And I know you’re higher than those silly insecurities
And hey, you know what Kendrick would say
Don’t be scared of your losses, see life in them
And if you die young
Take the holy key with you
Dance with the figure they call sin and recognise that it isn’t you
Be friends with the beast to find out the truth
Only the bounds of conceptual death can refine you
Grown
October 4
You used to be so happy
When you were small
When you were little
Innocent and free
You used to be so happy
What happened to you?
What did school do to you?
What in the world caused you to
Lose that smile?
I used to be happy, he says
When I was little
When we were little
What happened?
School
And I hate to admit the power it has over me
Bit it made life miserable
Killed my passion right in front of my face
The curriculum denied my creativity
Stripped me of my own thoughts and originality
Tried to put me in a box full of ‘normality’
Void of all things happy
Fatal
Lethal to the soul
School just happened to take away the joy I found in being around
What happened, he says
I grew up
We grew up, a little bit
Grew up and grew out of being content
Being amused
Being happy
Just chasing away the lurking shadows in the corners of our minds
Instead of running into your bed at night when the darkness us too wide
We run to our phones in hope the blue light will dissolve the insomnia
When it only encourages it
But each day we grow closer and closer to the ground
Further away from the sun
Farther from any other person or someone
We isolate ourselves in the soil and roots of our stem
And hide from the feeling we once felt
Happiness
But is that what being grown means?
Being miserable?
Being alone?
Being unseen?
Trying to be strong no matter how weak your knees?
Is that what it is to be grown?
Unhealthy pursuits of happiness in hopes to be seen as valid enough to be neutral for once?
Sacrificing your own joy just to own yourself?
Your own house?
Your own computer and mouse?
Does being grown just paint happiness out of the picture?
If it is, than I don’t want to grow
At least not any more than I have
Adulting sounds painful and if I can’t get through teening, how am I supposed to get through that?
I don’t want to grow
Why does that have to be another change forced with age?
Why does being grown have to equate to complaints?
Unmet promises and fakes
Lining up outside your place
But you put on your brave face of being too nice to scare them away
Showing mercy to a world that has been merciless to you
I don’t want to be grown If that’s what it takes
I want to stay little
Stay happy
Stay innocent
I want to feel joy and not care about losing it
I want to remember what it feels like to live in such a small world
With no tomorrows
Where everything has to be done today because that’s all the time we have left
And I want to play right now, for the rest of my life
Forever
Having fun forever
Without it changing into shopping sprees and clubs
I wanna run
On a field barefoot
With a rugby ball in my hands and tags on my hips
Not caring if I stumble or trip
I wanna clip my nose with pegs so I can sound like squidward
I wanna cover my hands in paint
Rub it all over my face and call it art
I wanna go to playcentre again and create art
Hang out with my childhood friends until it’s almost dark
And return into the arms of my favourite person
If being grown means unhappiness
Then that’s a price I am not willing to pay
Dead End
November 16
I am driving down a dead end
Yet I continue until I reach it
The end
Of all I’ve ever known
But I still go
Because the route is scenic
And I like to see it
From time to time
It’s almost a routine
This road is long however no corners separate it
Integrate it
Weave it into the rest of the world
This is a one-way street with no twists or turns
Just straight down the shoreline of time
Rippling as the past rows it’s way through
As stars skips rocks of honeydew over it’s horizon
Memories of the future turning a sunrise blue
I drive through this street slowly
Sometimes I reverse when I forget to pay attention
Like when you reverse a song because you didn’t give the verse as much love as the chorus
Other times I stop to take a picture
Hoping that this moment might last forever
Hoping that I might be able to capture the beauty I see
But no picture could ever capture the feeling
That at some point the street lights have to come on and I’ll have to drive on
Knowing that at some point the time will come where I have to tread my own path
Stray away from the known
Make a new road
That goes away from the shoreline rippling through time
Away from the dead-end, one-way route I’ve been following my whole life
That has twists and turns and slippery parts that are meant for feet and not tires
And trees that aren’t made for shade but for climbing
That has new planes to capture memories in
Long grass that blows in the wind of today
Green that grows under the sun of now
Rather than drink from the pond of tomorrow
Or root through the fallen leaves of yesterday
Discovery of Love
December 8
I first discovered love when
I started to appreciate those moments
The small ones that always seem to slip away
When I looked into their eyes and realised
That these guys are always going to stay
By my side
Hand in hand for the rest of my life
For as long as our paths choose to collide
When they started hugging me tighter to show that they’re holding on
That they’ll bring me back up and over the ledge I’ve fallen from
When the time comes
I know where to find my loved ones
I know who I can trust
I know where to escape if I must
If I need to
If I want
I know who has open arms
The people who reciprocate my love
Who’ve built and re-built me from the ground up
My family
My blood
My friends
All of the above
As soon as I came out of the womb I felt love
In the eyes of my mother and father
I saw love
In the comfort of my grandparents
Who would giggle through the corridors
I heard love
In the embrace of my brothers and sisters
I found love
In my chosen family
Who has saved me from myself time and time again
And even in the mirror that chooses to deceive me until my time ends
I first discovered love in the people I fell for
Platonically of course
Through the friendships I treasure
Through the faces that smile back at me
Through the amount of love I had for other people
For the ones who make my world
Who turn it ‘round
Who make the seasons change and the sun shine
Who make the waves tall and the moon bright
I know this is a corny line you’ve all heard before but it’s true
I love my people so much
That they make me want to love myself too
I first discovered love
When I saw it in myself
Burrowing beneath the layers of hatred, insecurities and discomfort
Hidden in the nest of worries
Anxiety, nurturing the fruits of depression that would soon consume me
Yet still
With all that darkness a Sunflower grew underneath
Fertilised by the beauty of my people
By the will of mine to help others
Slowly but surely breaking through the barriers and shining light upon my heart
They showed me myself
And even then I didn’t believe
But I still acknowledged it
Felt it
Wondered how I can care for others so much
But never have anything to give to myself
So to the people who make me
Thank you
You are my life
And each day I’m grateful
Because you remind me of all the things you saved me from
All the things I could have stolen from myself
And I am so glad
That I get to experience happiness
Because of you