Spoken Word
Stories of Aryi Koko Telfer
Poems deemed worthy
Happy Fathers Day, Dad
September 8, 2020
As his strong wings wrap around me
I know I am safe
I am in the safest embrace I could ever be in
His feathers warm unike the breeze that wooshes past
The tuft of his chin tickles every now and then
His scent seeps through the cold air and into my beak
Comforting me all the more
The gentle brush of his breath over my head contributing to the warmth he gives during this cold winter night
He holds onto me tighter as I do the same
Whispering sweet things for me to hear
“I hope you’ve had fun.” “I’m gonna miss you heaps my darling.”
Soothing his voice is, much like the song of a bird
Raspy at times but a beautiful melody to hear
I could listen to him all day,
And his laugh all the more endearing
I wish it to never go away
As his hug envelopes me his wings go by to protect and embrace his lovely child
Refusing to let them out into the cold night, the cold world
Knowing he has to at some point
The child holds on to him as long as they can
It doesn’t want to leave, they don’t want to go, don’t let them go, don't let me
Here I am safe,
His hold alone so reassuring
I feel the tears well up in my eyes, almost staining his beautiful cloak
As he lets go I no longer feel empty or sad
I am whole, I am happy, knowing that this man is my father, he is my guardian angel sent from heaven
My protector, my love, my life, the bestest friend ever
My wings flap for his,
Yearn to feel them again
His pressence
My beak sings for his
“I love you.”
A reassuring smile on his face as we bid each other goodbye
We wave our wings in the air for as long as we can see each other
One more..
One more time..
Once more may I see him..
Let me fly to him, once more..
One more conversation..
Laugh, hug, kiss on the cheek, one more goodbye..
“I love you dad!”
I chirp out the window
Loud enough for the world to hear and I’ll say it again
“I LOVE YOU DAD!”
Blowing kisses
Steam from the cold night escapes my nose in the form of a heart
And at last the car sped off,
He flew safely back into his home
His home that I will return to again at the end of another week
How will I survive a whole seven days without seeing you, my dad...
We'll just have to see
Try a little harder
September 1, 2020
“Try a little harder” is what they say
As if you’re nothing
As if you’ve been nothing all along
“Try a little harder” they say
As if you aren’t already trying hard enough
“Try a little harder” they said to you
As if all your efforts have gone to waste
As if you don’t already try hard enough to survive within this mundane world
And tolerate all the nonsense of this human race
As if you’re not already trying to mask the pain and emotion that you can’t help but feel
Society often forgets, that you too have feelings
That we all have feelings
The social construct that claims emotion to be something we lack
Talking about it as if it’s a skill we need to obtain
After hearing the same thing countless times
Eventually we have come to believe it ourselves
Mocking each other for feeling sad
That’s what I think is called a “sook”, “sookie”, or a “sookie bubbah”
Making fun of the way we get mad and worked up
“Why are you being so angus gee?”, “Calm down dox”, “stop being angus”, “Take a joke you sad guy”
Teasing each other because we feel obliged to do something for another
That’s called a “sus-bag” or “sus”
Talking about “How do you even find that funny, uso?”, “you’re weird gee” while still laughing yourself
‘Emotionless beings’
We are called
'Bipolar'
‘Emotionless children’
We might as well be
A reputation of fighting is the only thing they believe
Since everytime something happens you get protective and that’s all that people see
Since emotions are constantly shut down due to toxicity of our cultures
Trying to ‘act tough’ when you can’t even admit to liking your crush
Everytime we flee the lifeless vessels created by us, the people, the voice of our generation, we get shoved back into to exactly what we don’t wanna be
We've been built to judge everyone we lay our eyes on
Not only others but ourselves too
If I told you to “Try a little harder”
It’d be ignoring the fact that you are already trying to ‘fit in’ to a box that no one can fill
It’d be me ignoring the fact that mankind is already up everyone’s butt about everything and you still trying not to care even though you do
It’d be me ignoring your efforts to try and be alive during all the constant drama and expectations of this generation
It’d be me ignoring the fact that you are probably already swallowed up by your friends and family’s expectations that you can barely get through a day of school
I’d be ignoring all those things that you evidently try harder for everyday
Like waking up early in the morning with your eyes barely open
Training in from who knows where and putting on a uniform you aren’t really sure about
Like fighting daily just to be yourself but you don’t even know who you are so you’re struggling to find that person you want to be while wondering if that is really you
“Try a little harder”
“Try” and be less of you and more of what they want you to be, more of what they made you out to become
“A” small passage that broke me severely
“Little” by little my sensitivity started to decrease, the more it came the more I got used to the oblivion
“Harder” were the slices of her sword powered by the words that cut me deeply
I’m so used to the pain that I can barely feel it anymore
“Like water off a duck's back”
It’s still there it’s just less perceptible
It still hurts you just can’t see that anymore because of the walls you’ve been forced to put up
Indestructible for now but soon they’ll break down
“Try a little harder” they said
But the more you try the easier you drown
A message from my 'bestie' anxiety
Thoughts and feelings I experience on a daily basis
April 8, 2021
_ring~~ring~~_
Hey bestie! How are you?
Yeah? Doing good? Things going well??
WELP, not anymore~~
I just wanted to remind you about all the things you hate about yourself
Like the acne scars on your cheeks and temples
Like the little baby pimples that are yet to grow on your dirty pore of a forehead
Like how short you are which you hate because it makes you look “so much uglier than you are” and “it’s so hard to style being short” but to be honest you'd still look hideous despite all of that
And the dark circles underneath your evil eyes from all our sleepless nights
Since we love to partyyy, don’t we ?
Let’s not forget about your lazy excuse of a figure… no ma’am
And those hairy legs of yours? It looks like ants are crawling all over you
Who let you go outside looking like that ?
Seriously, it’s so embarrassing--
_beep_ press one to hear your message, press two to re record your message and press the hash key to save it or hang up
_ring~~ring~~_
Oops! You’re stupid machine cut me off but back to where I was…
Just wanted to point out some more of your insecurities, hehe
Like for example the way you walk…
Why do your feet point inwards? It looks disgusting!
Can’t you just walk straight?? Goshh
And your voice?? It's so high a ppitchy and just, gross!
Can you not?
And your so short that the junior skirt falls past your knees
I mean come on, you know that looks soooo weird
Why can’t you just be taller?? Or maybe wear heels or platforms to school so you at least look tall, sheesh
Your lips are so dry too, like, is there no lip balm in your pockets anymore?
Well, you should get some…
And the shoes, the shoes! What is with the shoes??
Kids can? Seriously??
I wonder what people think of you!
The poor little girl who can’t even afford formal school attire
Do you actually use those chubby hands of yours??
ew.
_beep_ press one to hear your message, press two-
_knock!knock!knock!_
Open the door, bestie~!
You can ball your hands into fists but that won’t change anything, click clack crack your knuckles it’ll only make it worse
You might be able to run from me but you won’t ever be able to hide, bestie~~
Okay, just take a look at yourself...
*sympathetic sigh*
I-
It-
You ju-
I don’t know how anyone could look at that and see beauty, you know?
I mean… after all I have already said, to your hair, your overly pale complexion, the way you try to hold yourself as if you’re proud!?
Hahaha, what a joke
Even to your personality..
It’s just all so ugly!!
I don’t know what to do with you, just..
Get out of my sight, I can’t deal with the sight of you!
Wait… maybe that’s it!
That is the solution to everyone’s problem
_Which is you, if you didn’t know_
You have to disappear.
Leave.
Be completely wiped from the face of the earth
I mean, everything could do so much better without your unpleasant little face, couldn't it?
Oh, don’t be fooled by those fake friends of yours
They might say you look pretty, or so
But don’t be gullible enough to believe them,
I mean, that’s just pathetic
Not that you aren’t already but don’t stoop down to that low of a level okay?
Look at your reflection and tell me that you see some form of beauty..
Go ahead, try your very hardest!
Tell me that you love what you see and always will~
Tell me!
You can't, can you? That’s right
Because it’s not true
You aren’t a thing a beauty in any way shape or form, nor will you ever love yourself and you know why?
Because you are unlovable
You don’t deserve anyones love
So can you just do us all the favour of getting lost?
Here we go again
May 5, 2021
Here we go again
The cycle of breathe lungs fail to fulfill
Here it comes
The wave of anxiety that never ends
It crashes, again and again
So hard that my heart beats at the rapid pace of it’s flows and persistence
Sending vibration through my body
A storm so consistent my heart is almost yelping out my chest
If my skin wasn’t so ‘thick’ I’m sure it would’ve already run away by now
My heart
My lungs
Me
Drowning in the waters of this never ending tsunami
I can’t help but inhale all the chloride, sodium and sulphate
Liquids in my lungs
Contaminating my heart
It shouldn’t be there but it is
Suffocating me from the inside
Push it aside
Adapt to survive
But what I can’t hide is when I end up vomiting the mineral filled water
Spilling over the edge as darkness yet again overtakes
Here we go again
Where I forget how to breathe
Where I can’t breathe
My sight fails to see
I faint
And yet again darkness takes over
All I wanna do
May 2, 2021
What if I told you that all I wanna do is fall in love?
Pathetic right? I know.
But I honestly do,
I really do wish I had a someone…
A someone who may like to read all types of books, some about crooks and others that tell of captains with their hooks,
A someone who could maybe have good looks but nonetheless understands everything in the school textbooks,
A someone who might draw everyday about anything they see in their little sea of imagination and has multiple notebooks full of today’s and yesterday’s lessons
A someone who is so ethereal they can undoubtedly make any and every one (jung)shook
A someone who is effortlessly fluorescent and who shines 24/7 as if they’re bioluminescent
Whose eyes turn into cute little moon crescents when they smile, and who glows as if they’ve been in the sun for a while
A someone who can be grown and serious but also as innocent as an adolescent
A someone who in my eyes will never not be magnificent and extremely significant in my life
I wish I had a someone who made life seem brighter than it is
Someone who I could go to when I need the comfort and reassurance
A someone who I could hold hands with and it wouldn’t be weird
Someone who holds the entire galaxy in their wonderful eyes and would let you count each star no matter how awkwardly you smile
And someone who would show those stars to you every time you met eyes
A someone who makes you feel special and makes waking up every morning so much more worth it because there’s a good chance you’re going to see them that day
A someone who gives you the love that you give to everyone but yourself
A someone who not only does all these wonderful things for you but also lets you do all these things and more for them
I wish I had a someone to love and cherish with all my might and without worrying whether they feel the same way or not
Someone to spoil unconditionally in both the world and unworldly things
A someone who I can give my all to knowing that they’d give me their all as well
A someone who I can support when they need reassurance, appreciation or love, or even just an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on
A someone to share all our sad, happy, confused and angry moments together
A someone I can make laugh, on the grass where our little picnic date takes place from the sunset to the stars
A someone who makes the past seem irrelevant because the only type of pass we make is with a rugby, volley or a netball from the field and courts to the car where we can drive away so far that we might not find our way home
A someone who I can appreciate and love as much as I want to and as much as they’ll let me
A someone who can trust in me and I in them
A someone who will always be the missing cell to my brain
A someone who turns home from a place to a person
Man, I really wish I had a someone
I wish I had a love
Dear Brain,
From Body
June 9, 2021
For the amount of times that you fail to heal I will
I promise to fulfill my one duty; to function, to work
So that each time you harm me in hopes of experiencing feeling I will still heal
Even if you can’t I will still turn wounds into scars
Because they were but not are
Even if you try to take away the carbon dioxide and oxygen from inhaling and exhaling out my lungs
I will retrieve it and continue breathing
Even if you draw lines on your limbs with the knife you said you threw away
I will hide them from you, I will heal them for you
Even if you try to blow yourself away with gunpowder or ammo that you somehow received
I won’t let you
Even if you fail to feed me the right and enough nutrients
I will persist
Even if you fail to moisturise me both outside and within
I will do my best
To survive
Because as much as you wish you weren’t alive I’m glad we are
As much as you hate being here
I will fight for you to be
For you to at least survive
If you give up I will keep going and that is my promise to you
I know that you think life isn’t worth it a lot of the time
I know that you are constantly reminded of the anchor of obligation and guilt that grounds you here and how sucky it is to have to force yourself to resist the temptation
I know that every day is a challenge to you
Where anxiety eats you up alive and at your worst days won’t even allow you to get out of bed in the mornings
And other days it won’t even let you merely have a conversation with anyone
I know how tough shit is for you
I feel the shakiness
The heart palpitations every second of every day
I feel the dissociation
All the thoughts that cruise along through the air
All the things that put you and me at risk
I know
And I am so sorry that you have to go through all that
I know it’s hard to live with a neutral of melancholy instead of phlegm or choleric
I know how you question whether or not you might have depression but don’t want to admit or get professional help
I know that each day you wake up you can’t help but wonder how you could kill yourself
The more creative and interesting the better
I know how much you suffer
So I promise to stay healthy,
And be one of many good things in your life
"Damage Yourself"
July 7, 2021
“Damage yourself”
Said the mind of a girl reverently sitting in sacrament
As she gazes over her hands, her wrists, covered by the sleeve of her cardigan
“Damage yourself”
Said the mind of a boy innocently studying for an exam late at night
As he lay his head down with a hefty sigh he caught a glimpse of his knees and thighs
Reminiscing over the previous night where scars were formed
Scars that used to ooze and bleed, flowing velvety red like the clear silk running down his cheeks
“Damage yourself”
Echoes the mind of a Gender Non-Confirming student thinking it a voice of their own and running to it in hopes of gaining the comfort they lack
Reaching to take the outstretched hand, towards the sharpness in hopes that they might feel something again
“Damage yourself”
Young question child, what harm can it do since the world has already done it all
“Damage yourself”
You queer gendered child, you’ve been invalidated to the point where emotions fail to show might as well top it all off by trying to prove that wrong
The darkness which consumes these guiltless youngins whole, drowning them mercilessly in the misery adults could never understand nor assist with
Shadows attacking their being without any hesitation and a ruthless drive to swallow them entirely
The poor victims of this relentless disease thinking it's no one but themselves talking when in reality it’s the voice of our ‘ever-so-loving’ society
Like maggots eating away at a corpse
A plague that gradually takes over and eventually kills you
Depression
You damage yourself when we find our way to light and happiness
When we strive to persist and survive
Eventually we live
And without you, we will live
So leave our kids alone will you
You
June 30, 2021
You.
I don’t know how, who, what, when, where, why, how, who--
But just, you
There isn’t much I can say because your beauty is indescribable
When it comes to you,
You make my world spin ‘round while simultaneously freezing time
It’s as if only you exist and we’re all just living in your world
And every moment I have with you I wish I could admire you so much more than the chances that are given
I often forget that there are people in the room
Your presence is so illuminating that it’s hard not to lose sight of reality
And nine times out of nine it feels like I’m watching a movie and you’re the main character
But hey, maybe that’s the truth
Your beautiful, dark, ebony eyes are so deep and lucious, they’d still glow no matter how dim the light
Your serenading voice that keeps echoing in the back of my mind is as if you’re an angel in disguise reciting symphonies from a heaven unknown to mankind
Your impeccable height, oh how tall you’ve grown, I’m always fascinated because I never see your crown yet you’re a queen meant for the throne
Your stunning smile, absolute in the most ways, it could light up any and everyone's day
You and your outstanding self, I swear could go on for books and pages about the mere beauty you radiate
I wish I could admire you more
You,
Have become one of many strong women in my life
And are now a familiar face I am blessed to see and know period
For that alone I thank you tremendously
You.
Or in other words;
Beautiful.
Lovely.
Pretty.
Stunner.
Gorgeous.
Goddess.
Queen.
You.
Are all of these things and more
Both inside and out you are one of the most incredible beings I have ever witnessed
All of the flaws that you think you have
Faults that supposedly make you human
How can a being as superior as yourself be considered as such when you are light years ahead of us
Beyond the label of ‘worthy’ or ‘enough’
You are perfectly imperfect
And way better than all of us
I love you.
Every last bit of you.
Fathers Day
September 4, 2021
There are many times where I thought I’d lose you
Many times where I almost did
But you held on
Which made me wanna do the same
Back then I didn’t realise how precious our time together would be
But now I know
That being with you is the happiest and safest place I could ever be
It’s sad not being able to wake up in the mornings and see you there
But the days when I can are the most beautiful ones
It’s a shame that I’m too big to crawl into your arms at night
Because each opportunity I get to do so
I so wish I could
I want to go back to our younger days
When you’d stay home with us and teach us how to cook
When we’d bake scones together and eat the batter before putting it into the oven
When you'd take us to playcentre and teach us something new every day
When we'd all watch movies in the lounge as a family
Just you, khalil, mum and me
When we were always together and never apart
I wish we could go back to when your son and I were born
And relive the beautiful moments we shared together
I wouldn’t take the small things for granted if I knew how little we’d see each other now
I wouldn’t move away every time you wanted a cuddle
I would hug you longer and play with your dreadlocks
I would trace your tattoos and and admire how pretty they are
I would say things like “I can’t wait to be like you when I grow up” or “You are so cool, dad, I hope you know that”
And I would brag to everyone about how awesome you are
When people ask me who my hero is, I think of you
Because you’re the strongest person I know
The happiest person I’ve seen
And the most amazing dad who has ever walked the Earth PERIOD
You once said; “I just want to wake up and know that my kids are ok. As long as they’re happy I’m happy.”
And I just want you to know that I am so much more than okay, I am great, I am brilliant because I am blessed to be your daughter
And I am ecstatic! Overjoyed! And so eternally grateful because I have the best dad in the universe
I always say that you’re my number one ‘why’
And it’s true
You are my inspiration
The reason I wake up every morning and choose to smile every day
You’re the twinkle in my eye
The sun in my sky
And you hands down make the best veggie mince pie
So I will seek you for the rest of my life
And as you've learned to love yourself better, teach me
Teach me the lifetime of knowledge stored within your beautiful brain
I will never forget you
Not even when I die
I will leave here with your memory and return with it too
I will always be your daughter
And you’ll always be the best dad in the world
Even if we’re never together and always apart
I will seek you
Each day that I live and breathe for another tomorrow
I will seek you
And remember you
And love you
For all eternity
Have pride in how incredible you are
And keep smiling for yourself because look at how far you have come
Since October the 17th, 1996
And November the 20th, 2004
And December the 11th, 2006
Keep being yourself and don’t change unless you want to
You’ll always be the #1 Dad in all the worlds
Never forget that
Happy Fathers Day, dude
Cheers to 25 years as a father !!
Drowning
October 3, 2021
Why does it feel like I’m drowning?
In all this air I’m meant to breathe
Except it’s trapped within my lungs and keeps flooding in
Drowning in my jagged armour beaten up by life
Dragging me down to rock bottom
Lengthening the tunnel whose entrance was once so close
To no light guiding me out of it
Trying to gasp for help won’t do any good
No words will come out
Even my vocal chords are forced still
I’m basically paralyzed
Against my own will
Mentioning it as if it isn’t the first time
My eyes have been wide open in surprise that I have once again lost control of the one thing I thought was mine
Quick sand the bed sheets act like
Swallowing and tying me down
So I don’t have the choice to leave
Only to think
Start reminiscing
Over every little thing
Hating
On every version of me that exists
Overthinking
Every aspect of my life and life itself
Unconsciously my eyes start to sweat from how hard my mind is working to get through all these thoughts
Who would’ve thought
A person so small could harbour so much (of) before
Hold on to so much that has already happened and things that are yet to be
Trying to find my way through a maze with no exit
Everchanging like a labyrinth
Weaving my way through millions of neurological pathways only to get tangled further into my own existence
The more I try to get free the more lost I get
In the one thing I hate the most
So when I say I’m drowning
And I can’t breathe
Don’t try and teach me how to swim
And don’t save me
Let me drown
Let me go
Because if there’s one thing I know,
Is once hope has gone
It’s lost forever.
Repitition
November 24, 2021
I've said it a thousand times now yet it's still the same and I still don't know what to do
No matter how much time passes or how many so called health professionals I see
All 'diagnosing' me with the same thing
And after one week they say I'm fine but I don't feel fine..
It doesn't change
No matter the temporry feelings of betterness, it's still the same and it always will be
I'm just sick of having to hear and say the same things over and over again
It shows how little progress I've made and how weak my resilience really is
How easily I tend to give in
Let the mist swallow me whole
My being, spirit and soul
Since you seem to have stuck around longer than anyone I really know
Just take me
Take me wherever it is you intend to do so
Take over my life
Quit lingering, walking alongside the aura I painted around myself and hanging around my side
Just hurry up and posses the vessel in which my soul resides
Do with it what you wish
I've already lost control
There's nothing else for me to lose
Forget me and my existence within you
For I am already gone without
Allow the fog to disable my vision, my sacred eyes that see creations of the universe
Allow it to see through them in it's greed and anger
Let it block my true aura and raw emotion like how you have many times before
Swallow me whole
For I can bear it no more
My body, my being, my soul
To all the people who mispronounce my name
November 26, 2021
Learn your vowels
It isn’t ‘o’
It’s pronounced with an o
A re you really sorry or is that poor excuse of an apology just you being courteous
Can’t you hEar the vowel E spoken so easily
Like air rolling off of your tongue
Speak from your chest
O r is that too much for your foreign brain to understand
That it’s o (all) your fault that we even started shortening our names since yOu’re too lazy to learn at least how to say yOur vowels and honor the heritage behind our names
I’m done with making things easier for you
Leave our names to tell the story of our whakapapa and where we come from
Both you and me
From across the sea
It isn’t ‘i’ it’s I
And yoU are still saying it wrong
Your vowels honey
It’s A E I O U
So say my name properly
It’s Koko
Yes like the movie
Not like chanel
It isn’t cocoa like the powder
Or cacao like the fruit
It isn’t coocoo like how crazy it is that you can’t speak 4 letters the way it should be
It’s Koko
Period
Say it properly